janemariemd: August 2011

How to pick up women.

Every guy wants to know how to flirt with a woman. If you want to get her phone number and have a date with her you need to know the real secrets of flirting. Here's how it works...

You see a gorgeous woman that you want to meet and date her right? The first thing that goes through your mind is something like "so...what do I say to her?".

How do you make sure you say the right things? What are the best lines you can use?

The golden rule of flirting is NOT to use typical pick up lines. Never open with some overused line you picked up from a forwarded email, a magazine or a website. They don't work.

Women don't like those lines because they make you look cheap. If you use a made-up pick up line from a magazine for instance, then you will not make her feel that supernatural gut level feeling called attraction. Attraction can be triggered in any woman if you know how...

Be Sociable - Naturally, if you want to be successful at meeting women then you need to be sociable. You don’t want to shy away from the conversation. If you approach a woman and you’re hesitant to talk when it’s your turn or if you try to avoid talking then you will look like a very unsociable person who isn’t very fun. However if you approach women and you know how to keep a conversation going, and you know how to make the conversation fun then you will always be remembered for having that ability. Not everyone is not born to have a personality that is the life of the party. In that case...

Empathy! Ask about their interests and see if you two have anything in common. Also sympathize with their problems.
Go out. Be the first to invite people to hang out rather than wait for someone to invite you. Hang out in spots that are easy for conversation starters. (i.e. parties, BBQ's)
Compliments... You never know when someone is having a bad day. An unexpected compliment does wonders and is a great conversation starter.

Use Comedy - You don’t want to seem like a boring person right off of the bat. You want to introduce comedy as soon as possible. The best possible way is to open to the woman in a slightly off-the-wall comment that is funny and will get a great response. If you can get them to laugh as soon as you meet them, then you can count yourself as practically golden because they will always remember you as a very funny guy.

Here are a few tips on how to make a woman laugh.

Start by making fun of yourself. It is the safest form of humor. It shows that you are down to earth and that you can take criticism. And, women will be more honest with you as well. If you have made a mistake in your life or done something that is silly, you can use this as a topic to for a joke. Keep it light, of course, don't insult yourself.
Try and experiment on what makes your specific woman laugh. Not all women laugh at the same jokes. Try to find out what type of humor she likes. The safest method would be to begin with a more general type of humor that most people find funny, the so-called universal jokes.
Don't make her laugh too much. In other words - don't be her personal clown. There is a time to talk and time to be quiet. After you tell a joke, try to spin conversation towards a new direction. Humor is important for a relationship, but girls also need romance and the feeling of safety.
Be careful when talking about someone else. If there is something funny about someone or what they did, you can use this as a material for a joke but you should be careful with this. You don't want to make someone else look bad because this can make you look like a cruel person.
Do not insult her. You may find some jokes funny but those jokes are better shared with a group of male friends. Many men made this kind of mistake. And don't make fun with something that is important to her.
Never stage a joke i.e. don't say. "Let me tell you a great joke. It is very funny." Humor needs to have an element of surprise. Jokes you tell must be relevant to what just happened or what was just said. Jokes you've memorized can be old or overrated and she may have heard them.
Don't laugh at your own jokes - you can spoil the punch line. Smile, but don't laugh.
Be a good listener and you'll have you enough material to have fun with.
Facial expressions and body language can always enhance a joke and even make it funny. Watch a stand-up comedians and observe their facial expressions. Also, try to maintain a mindset of a funny talk show host - watch a few shows and model the host.
Try and practice being humorous with a male friend before you try it with women. Also, you can stand in front of the mirror and try to improve your performance and body language.

Great Body Language - It’s extremely important to have solid body language when approaching women. Having bad body language will immediately tell the woman that you are nervous, anxious, or socially awkward. You want to have “open” body language, body language that says I’m comfortable with myself and my surroundings. You can do this by keeping your hands out of your pockets, hands at your sides, keeping your shoulders and head back. You want to have good back posture as well, which means you don't want to walk slouched over with your head looking towards the ground!

Let’s talk about the 5 body language secrets that should be used to help you attract women:

Movement – Nervous guys are always fidgety and jerky. Confident men who are successful with women make very controlled movements. They walk slowly and only make controlled movements. You will never see a confident man with restless leg syndrome or fidgeting with their fingers. By slowing down your movement you are presenting to the rest of the world a more “comfortable” version of yourself and it makes you that much more approach-friendly.
Lean Back and Relax – When you are sitting up or in any sort of position that isn’t standing up, lay back and relax. Let your arms hang down at your sides, and make yourself as comfortable as you possibly can. Shy guys have a tendency of “shielding” themselves from other people by sitting forward with their arms folded. Don’t do this as it makes you look closed off. Relax!
Be Spacious – In any situation, always take up as much space as possible. If you’re sitting in a lobby, sort of lean back and kick your legs out. This is a “territorial” thing that all people notice subconsciously. If people see you taking up this space they will automatically assume you to be the alpha in the room and that you are the one who is the most laid back and fun!
Walking Posture - When you are walking it’s very important to have great posture. If you walk with your head down with your hands in your pocket you will look completely unapproachable. Walk with your back straight, with your head tilted up just a bit. Stick your chest out and bring your shoulders back. This shows women what they are most attracted too, confidence. Take a look at any millionaire, rockstar, or celebrity. They always walk this way and it’s because they are confident with themselves.
Open Yourself – When you are approaching women stand or sit with your palms slightly exposed with your arms at your sides and with your legs shoulder width apart (or out in front of you if you are sitting). Don’t ever cross your arms or your legs as this is a signal for being “closed” off.

Be Unique - Try to be as unique as you can without completely separating yourself from other people. This doesn't mean dye your hair green, strap on an eye patch, and wear full body spandex. It means use little things in your everyday routine that separate you from everyone else. It's hard to say whats unique and even harder to give tips on how to be unique without inadvertently making everyone unique and thus making this pointless. Try to come up with your own style and flare or think of things you can do to make yourself stand out.Here are a few tips hat might help. Try to come up with your own though.

Carry a pocket watch. Most people don't use them anymore and they will give you a subtle hint of timelessness.
Use a unique cologne. Try to avoid buying it at a store and look for one online. The're are literally thousands of them. Try to find one no one else has and use it consistently.
Carry a Zippo lighter with you. Even if you don't smoke. You never know when a cute girl might need a lite. Plus a Zippo is a much more unique than a standard lighter.
Use a money clip. Everyone has a wallet but a money clip stands out. It even lets you inadvertently flash a little cash.
Having an accent will set you apart but don't unnaturally speak with one. Just keep in mind that if you do have an accent you're being unique.
Try to avoid shortening words when speaking. "Who's" and "They're" should be pronounced as "Who Is" and They Are" This will make you seem well spoken, and set you apart from others.

Expect to fail, and when you fail pick yourself up and try again. Practice makes perfect. Some of the most successful men will still fail 9 times out of 10. If you fail it's not because your bad at flirting with women. It's because not every woman you approach is going to be interested it you. If you fail consistently, then maybe it's time to try another approach.

photo courtesy of guymeetsgirlonline.com

The ultimate guide to a first date.

STEP ONE, YOU : Wear the best clothes you have that won't make you stand out. Your ill fitting prom tux might not be the best choice. Give the constellation T-shirt the night off and go for something that buttons down. Some loose fitting jeans or even a pair of khakis would be fine. A pair of sneakers that aren't full of holes will tie everything together. Even if you've never done it before in your life, take a shower. Wash and brush your hair, and getting it cut is not a bad idea. Brush your teeth and use deodorant. A little cologne never hurts either. Even if she has seen you in your natural mode before, she's probably been hoping you're secretly someone else.STEP 2, PREPARATION : First dates can be a bit like real estate. Location matters. You want to go to a public place where there is, at least, minimal separation between you and others. If your chosen location is too private, she may assume you are just trying to get into her pants. If the location is too public, she might blend in with others or be able to claim it was a group thing and not a date. It should also involve an element of conversation. You want to give the illusion that she is getting to know you. For this guide I'll cover dinner but other first date locations are easily acceptable (see below). Attention to detail is always key. Plan ahead. You never want to bring a first date to a seafood place only to find out she's allergic to shellfish. Find out what's acceptable for her ahead of time and plan accordingly. Be prepared to pay for everything. Even if she offers to split the cost, insist you'll cover it. This will show her chivalry isn't dead. Make a reservation, even if it's not needed. When she notices that you've planned, that tells her you can be responsible. Try to avoid the "cookie cutter" Applebee's type of restaurant and take her somewhere fancy and exotic. As a rule of thumb anywhere with a separate wine menu and jazz or classical music will usually do. A little knowledge about the menu will also help. Being able to properly pronounce and order a glass of Castello del Poggio Moscato with your entree of Lasagna Rollata al Forno always looks a lot classier than just pointing at the menu and saying "I want that." Do your research. Know what to expect.

photo courtesy of beinglatino.wordpress.com

Here's a short list of appropriate and inappropriate first date locations. Coffee House Strip ClubArt Gallery MorgueGo Carts Slaughter HouseIce Skating BrothelCarnival "Pay by the Hour" MotelMuseum Aids walkAmusement Park FuneralBeach Star Trek ConventionMovies Jail or PrisonPreforming Arts Center Bum Fight Putt-Putt Golf Chemical Weapons Facility STEP THREE, CONVERSATION :Here is a list of acceptable first date conversation topics: her, her and her. That's right. You want her to talk as much as humanly possible. She may ask you about yourself but let's be honest. She's really just being polite. Everyone wants to talk about themselves whether they admit or not. You may want to talk about yourself but you must remember you're running the risk of saying the wrong thing. Nothing will end the date faster than you accidentally mentioning that time when you were 12 and you humped that jar of mayonnaise. When she asks about you, give her as little information as you can. Place of employment is usually okay. With every answer, slip in a hint that you are boring and would much rather talk about her. This will give you a hint of mystery and at the same time make her feel like you're truly interested in her and what she is saying. Yes, you may have your own hobbies and interests, but talking about your level 85 Paladin with full tier 12 heroic gear is only going to bore her to death. You have your fellow geeks for that. If the conversation is running a little slow, try taking something from one of her last sentences and rephrase it as your own observation, along a follow up question. When she mentions how she loves listening to classical music while she goes jogging. Follow up with how classical music is great and inquire who her favorite artist is. Take the time to soak in what she's saying. Listen to her and pay attention while making short yet empathetic responses. If she likes to talk about the collection of corpses in her closet, a second date is probably a bad idea. If she mentions that her new triple piston, gasoline powered, turbo charged, ass jammer with scrotum cupping device and astro glide lubricant needs a new test subject, it's a judgement call.STEP FOUR, CONCLUSION :To kiss or not to kiss — that is the questionHopefully, instead of an escape, by the end of the date you’ll be looking for a way in. The decision to go in for the kiss is a personal one. But if you don’t get any action the first night, it doesn’t always mean that your date isn’t interested. It’s really just a personal preference. The time has come to work on a second date. You should arm yourself with specific plans if you intend to succeed. Based on what you've learned about her, ask if she'd like to do something specifically designed for her. Don't ask if she'd like to go out again sometime. Instead quote that time she mentioned she liked classical music, and tell her you can get tickets to a future concert. This will show her that you were actually listening to her and make it harder for her to brush you off. Even if she's not interested in you at least you have accomplished something. You have been seen in public with a member of the opposite sex, and now you have some experience for your next date.

photo courtesy of howtodothings.com

Liz

I met Liz while I was working as a waiter at Ihop, late in 2004. She was a typical late nighter that would come in late at night and drink coffee for a few hours. Sometimes when it was slow I would converse with guests to make time pass and it also seemed to increase my tips. We got to chatting and right away I noticed a very strong sexual chemistry between the two of us. We were both dating other people at the time, I myself in a very happy relationship, so naturally we didn't act upon our natural urges.Liz was an unusual girl. She was Japanese. She wore dark eye liner and dark lipstick which was typical for an average goth girl. She also had pink hair at the time that I met her. She wasn't at all the typical girl I usually dated. Nontheless I was still very attracted to her. We chatted usually every night when she came in, about everything and nothing. She was very easy to talk too and that's one of the things I liked about her the most. It's very rare to find someone not only easy to talk to, but also have such interesting and educated conversations with.After a little less than a year the girl I was dating at the time died. I was depressed and literally sleeping with nearly every girl I met at that time trying to fill the hole in my life. I eventually slept with Liz somewhere in the mix. Out of the twenty to thirty women I slept with in the two short months after my loss, Liz was the only girl that stood out to me. We just had amazing sex. It was as simple as that. There's not much more to it. We both had many sexual partners in the past and knew how to please each other in bed. She was also very sexually aggressive. I've slept with many, many women but they all made me come onto them. I had to seduce them to get what I wanted. With Liz she came onto me, and I liked it.I slept with Liz off and on for a few months before I moved and I eventually stopped calling her. Not that I wanted to, but I wasn't looking for a relationship at that time in my life, and nearly every girl I slept with always seemed to want something more from me. Liz never asked me for a relationship, but I wanted to end it before she did. Not because I didn't like her, it's just that we were good friends and I didn't want to risk ruining our friendship over something so petty. A few months after I moved the women seemed to dry up. I, being a man, wanted some sex, not just any sex though. I wanted Liz. It was like I had a craving for awesome sex and she was the only person that could deliver. I called her out of the blue and invited her over. We chatted for hours and eventually had sex. Sex with her was great. I remember she used to give the most amazing head. The kind of head that made your toes curl up and your whole body twitch in extacy. Most girls can't get me off by just giving me head. They eventually get tired, or the have trouble breathing, or they gag which is a real turn off. But Liz never had any of those problems. Plus she seemed to love giving head. I remember at one point I was panting and wheezing while she was going down on me and she stopped and lifted her head to ask me if I was okay. In an out of breath, high pitched, hurried voice I said "I'm fine" and pushed her head back down. Another thing I liked about her is that she didn't seem to mind giving up a little back door action every now and then. Nearly every girl I've ever asked for it, they always say no. Or they'll let me try for a few minutes and stop me because it hurts them so much. Liz not only let me, but she enjoyed it.A few months passed by and she would come over every day, and spend nearly every night at my house. I'm not sure how it happened but she was practically living with me. Eventually we tried dating officially. It was an idea I wasn't very fond of but I decided maybe enough time had passed and I should get back in the dating game. I was going through a very stressful phase with work and Liz was very supportive of me. I wasn't making enough money to to survive and I often complained about it to Liz and eventually she told me to quit. It was sound advice. I knew if I was to quit I would have to move in with my mother until I was able to find another job. Liz never struck me as a "material girl" and I knew if that I did quit and move back home Liz would follow me. The problem was Liz wasn't exactly the kind of girl you brought home to meet the parents. But I decided to give it a shot.I decided to quit my job and move back home. Much to my surprise Liz and my mother got along great. My mother was able to see past Liz's rough exterior to the sweet girl I saw inside. Plus my mother being a lonely middle aged divorcee and Liz's easy going, easy to talk too personality, seemed to help out a lot. Over the course of the next month or so Liz and I started having problems. I am a very laid back and calm individual. Liz however hung out with a more dramatic crowd and was more accustomed to drama and arguing. The fighting got worse as time drew on. It almost seemed like she liked arguing with me sometimes. Nearly every time she came over we would fight about something and it was always something stupid and petty. Eventually she found out that I had slept with one of her friends (long before I had even met Liz and I had no idea that they even knew each other) and she flew off the handle at me. She even hit me. I didn't know how to react to that. I didn't hit her back but at that point I knew it was over. I broke up with her and stopped calling her.After some time had passed, I eventually ran into Liz. We chatted for a while and decided to stay friends. We exchange pleasantries on Myspace and Facebook. We even still have sex from time to time but that's all it is. I think we both know that our friendship is better than having a relationship.

Robin

It was late October 2003 and one of my friends asked me if I wanted to go to a Halloween party with him and his wife in Colorado Springs. He said we would be staying overnight in a motel and there was going to be plenty of girls there. I didn't have anything else planned for that day, and I must admit I liked the sound of girls being there, so I accepted.On Halloween, early in the evening, my friend called me on my cell and told me we were leaving soon and to meet him outside. I walked out front and met up with him and his wife near the parking lot. It was cold and snowing that evening. The kind of snow that's really wet and sticks to everything. My friend didn't want to take his car due to the weather so we were catching a ride with a few other party goers. We smoked a cigarette while we waited and eventually a dark blue S.U.V. pulled up blasting the Batman theme at full volume. A guy I did not know, about in his mid his twenties, in a Batman costume, emerged from the driver side door. Another guy popped out of the passenger side door dressed as Batmans sidekick. Right away I could tell right away that this was going to be a sweet party. After a quick smoke with 'The Dynamic Duo' and a few introductions, we were ready to leave. My friend and I climbed into the back seat eager to get out of the weather while his wife climbed into the vehicle through the back hatch. We set off and soon after I noticed a few girls talking and giggling behind me. I looked back and were three women. I knew two of them from before. There was My friends wife, her sister Jill, and the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life... Robin.The visibility was low in the dark vehicle and eventually we pulled into a gas station for some fuel, a quick smoke, and some refreshments. I remember lighting up a cigarette while watching Robin climbing out of the back of the vehicle along with the other two women to stretch their legs and grab some refreshments. As she walked past me on her way inside our eyes met and she smiled shyly. Right at that moment time seemed to stand still. It felt like my heart skipped a beat. She was truly a wondrous creature. She was about 5'6' with long semi-curly brown hair, tanned olive colored skin, full lush lips, a sexy toned shapely figure, and deep hazel eyes. Her eyes were the feature that caught my attention the most. They were like two dark sparkling pools of sheer beauty, in which I was drowning.Before we arrived at the party we stopped at the motel we would be staying in for the night, to check in. While the guys settled in one room and raided the mini bar, the girls changed into their costumes in the other room. After the girls were changed they met up with us in our room. I remember seeing Robin in her sexy black costume. She had an fairly ample chest and her costume displayed it quite nicely, but I just couldn't take my eyes off of hers. After deciding who was sleeping where we set off to the party.When we arrived, blasting the Batman theme at full volume once again, the party was in a full roar. We all went inside to enjoy the festivities and there was around twenty five people there. There was mostly women there, which was nice, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of Robin. She had a very feminine and nurturing sense about her that drove me crazy. As soon as we got there Robin poured us all a round of drinks and offered one to me. I took that as my opportunity to strike up a conversation with her. I didn't think I stood a chance at hitting on her, being that, a girl of her caliber, must have gotten hit on all the time. Besides, some one that beautiful, as beautiful as she was, (and she really was that beautiful) most likely had a boyfriend already, and if not she definitely got hit on all the time. She filled the room with a sort of calming gentle beauty that always seemed to put everyone at ease. She was always so full of life and cheer, anybody around her, was immediately bewitched by it. She was the kind of girl that just from looking at her, made you forget all your troubles. We talked for a few minutes, just casual chit-chat, before I got pulled away by my friend. I don't even remember what he wanted but I do remember drilling him with questions about Robin. He informed me that he 'thought' she was single but didn't know for sure and told me to ask Jill, his wife's sister, who knew her better. I eventually found Jill and starting asking questions. She could tell I was interested in Robin from my inquiries and I asked her if she could hook me up. She told me she'll see what she could do.After a while, when the party as a whole was good and drunk, we all started coming up with random ways to entertain ourselves. There was a chair in the living room that we starting referring to as the 'hot seat' and at any given time random people got elected to sit in the chair and make out. It was very entertaining because we usually elected two women to have a turn in the hot seat. They had to have a 'party approved' kiss, which was always open mouthed and drawn out, before they were allowed to stop. My friend and Jill knew that I was interested in Robin and after a while they insisted it was time for us to have a turn. I sat nervously in the hot seat while Robin rested her gentle frame upon my lap. She didn't seem shy at all, which was odd because I was very shy and hessitant. We started a what had to be a 'party approved' kiss and because of the parties encouragement we continued our kiss. We stayed there in the chair, passionately kissing, for hours, long after the party wandered off finding other ways to amuse themselves. It was the kind of kiss you only see in the movies or read about in romance novels. We stopped from time to time to talk amongst ourselves about how good of a kisser we each thought the other was and how attractive we each thought the other one was. I remember telling her that she was only interested in me because of her alcohol consumption, although she wasn't really even buzzed, and she would most likely regret all of this in the morning. She just smiled and assured me if it was like that, it would be the other way around, and I needed to adjust my beer goggles. (that was a laugh) I remember getting interrupted several times by three of her, well built, older brothers, reminding me that she was their 'little sister' Assuring them I wasn't going to take advantage of her or do anything stupid they eventually left us alone. After the party died out we all returned to the motel and got ready for bed. I got nestled into bed while Robin was in the bathroom removing her make-up and changing into something more comfortable to sleep in. It was a room with two beds, I had my own, while one of robins brothers was drunkenly passed out on the other. After Robin was finished in the bathroom, much to my surprise, she crawled into bed with me instead of her brother where she was supposed to sleep. We continued our steamy romance long into the night while being mindful that her older brother was sleeping just a few feet away. I remember her snuggling her tiny, gentle frame up to mine and as we drifted off to sleep I thought to myself this is going to be the start of something truly amazing.The next day, after sleeping in just a bit to long, we all got ready and set off for home. It was a long ride. Robin and I didn't talk much because we were both still pretty tired but we did sit next to each other and exchange phone numbers. After the long ride my friend, his wife, and myself eventually arrived at our destination. I kissed Robin goodbye and told her I'd call her. I thought to myself I have to play this one cool. I can't call her to soon or she'll think I'm desperate, however, I can't wait to long to call her or she'll think I don't care about her. Back then, the unspoken rule on calling someone you just met was three days, no more, no less. Later that evening my cell phone rang and much to my surprise it was Robin. I let it ring a few times, just to be safe, before I answered. I could tell right away that she wasn't your typical girl being that she was the one to call me, and so soon. We talked about several topics and we seemed to agree on everything. We spoke for several hours long into the night and she eventually talked me into picking her up and taking her out, on a date, to get some food. There isn't anyplace nice to eat at one in the morning and I wanted our first date to be a nice one, but nonetheless I wanted to see her at whatever the cost. I drove to her house, which was very far away, and called her on my cell phone when I arrived. She came outside, got into my car, and we set off on our little late night adventure.Our first date wasn't much worth mentioning, but it was nice. We went to Denny's, being practically the only place open that late, and as we arrived, everyone in the room had to have a look at her. She was that gorgeous. Everywhere she went she lit up the room and people just gawked at her beauty in awe. After we were seated and went over the menu, we ordered our food, and sat there waiting. We smoked a few cigarettes as we waited for our food to arrive and made small talk here and there. I remember getting lost in her eyes so many times as she spoke, I hardly even heard what she said. After we ate and left I took her for a late night drive around the town and eventually dropped her off. I kissed her goodnight and promised her a much nicer date the next time I saw her. A date she would never forget.We spoke over the phone everyday there after about many topics. We even had long periods of comfortable silence on the phone while we she watched TV and I played video games. It was nice just to listen to her breathe. I asked her out on a more proper date a few days after our first date and she eagerly accepted. I picked her up early in the evening and we set off. I took her to a movie at first. I don't really recall what it was being that we just kissed the whole time. After the movie was over I took her to one of my favorite restaurants Nokhu on Canyon. It's now called The Canyon Chop House and it retains its' title as my favorite restaurant. When we arrived I gave the hostess our reservation information and she took our coats for us and showed us to our seats. She pulled out Robin's chair for her and placed her napkin in her lap for her. There was a smooth jazz music playing in the background and the whole place had a modern artsy look to it. It was very dim and quiet with wine bottles and candles everywhere. I ordered a glass of red wine, Napa Altamura Nebbiolo, if I remember correctly, Robin ordered a Coke, not yet being of legal drinking age, and we started out with a half dozen oysters on the half shell. After a few minutes of hesitation she ordered a braised lamb shank pasta and I ordered the jumbo lump blue crab with avocado. We talked quietly over dinner and once again I found myself getting lost in her eyes. It's funny how I recall all the little details but when I try to picture her face all I can see in my mind is her eyes. She had those deep, rich, hazel eyes that only the few possess and the mass envy.About two months into our relationship, late in December, Robin and I were out late one night for a midnight drive. I came across a nice deserted area, overlooking a few flickering lights, spread out across a vast field. It was the kind of place you would go to get away from it all. We sat there quietly, listening to the radio, and gazing up into the cloudless night sky at all of the distant shimmering stars. I thought to myself how much she meant to me and while I was with her I didn't have a care in the world. I looked deeply into her eyes and I felt a small voice creep up from inside me. 'I love you' I said with an almost child like innocence. I could see the happiness on her face as it lit up. She smiled shyly and said 'I love you too'Throughout the course of our relationship I lavished Robin with gifts and affection. I wanted her to know just how much she meant to me. I took her out to eat, almost everyday, at some of the nicest restaurants across the state. We were truly inseparable. She stayed with me at my house nearly everyday and we never seemed to get bored with each other. I remember coming home late from work and she was always there waiting in anticipation for my return. We did everything together. My only goal was wanting her to feel as loved as I did.In early June 2004 Robin's family was going on a road trip to California to attend to some family matters and they invited me along. Knowing that Robin would be going I accepted and soon after we all set off. It was a long trip and I could feel Robins anticipation building as we got closer to our destination. She was raised in the golden state and was eager to return to catch up with the people and memories she had long ago left behind. We arrived at her one of her sisters' house after several long hours of driving. It was a small house with a very large palm tree in the yard. Robin and I had a quick shower and settled in for our stay. After a few introductions she took me to see the many places she remembered from her past. We went from place to place visiting many people and places throughout the state. It was a very sunny and humid state filled with a culturally diverse people. After our short visit in California we set off for home. It was an even longer ride back and the miles dragged on forever. Robin started complaining of a pain in her stomach and I did my best to comfort her. She shrugged it off as motion sickness and left it at that.In the following weeks the pain in robins stomach grew stronger and she decided to go see a doctor. At the doctors office they did an ultrasound on her stomach and found something unusual. It was what they described as a 'foot ball' sized anomaly in her lower abdomen. Robin had had a thirteen pound non-cancerous tumor along with one of her ovaries removed before I had met her and the doctor thought that's what it was once again. He took some blood tests and referred her to a specialist in Denver that had better equipment and expertise to deal with the situation. The appointment in Denver was far off, meanwhile, Robin and I just shrugged her sickness off to another thirteen pound non-cancerous tumor. A few weeks of pain and a quick surgery and she would be as good as new. Over the course of the next month, Robins stomach grew significantly in size as did her pain, I did all that I could to comfort and care for her. She was my whole world and It pained me to see her hurting. Eventually the wait was over and I drove her to see the specialist in Denver. We waited forever in the doctors office waiting room before the nurse called Robins name out. After an even longer wait in the exam room the doctor came in holding a chart containing her blood test results and told us that Robin had cancer. It was truly devastating news but we remained optimistic. Robin was young and in excellent health. Cancer usually only showed up in older people with already weakened immune systems and even they had a fairly decent shot at survival. We believed even though cancer could be lethal there was no way she would die from this. The doctors gave her medication and follow up treatments to help her with her illness and we both ate a little healthier. Other than that Robin and I continued life as usual. Over the few remaining months in 2004 Robin seemed to show a little improvement until around January 2005 when everything seemed to drastically change for the worse. The doctors decided that traditional treatments weren't working and wanted to try surgery to remove the tumor and then chemotherapy treatment to kill the remaining cancer cells. It was a bold move but it proved to be extremely effective in other cases. By this time the tumor in Robin's stomach was so large she looked like she was far beyond a full term pregnancy. Robin decided to do what the doctors recommended and we set out for a hospital in Denver to have the procedure. It was a two week in-patient procedure and I stayed by her side for the entire duration. Normally people could only visit during preset times but the doctors and hospital staff could clearly see in my eyes that the term 'visiting hours' did not apply to me. Robin was my whole world and I would never leave her side, especially in her time of need. For two weeks we stayed in that miserable place, and the only thing that kept us going was each other. I didn't shower, shave, or, change my clothes. My eyes got infected from not changing my contacts lenses. I only slept a few hours every few days due to sheer exhaustion. Just after a week I ran out of money and I couldn't afford to eat. I even almost lost my job, but none of that seemed to matter. All I wanted was to see Robin get better. Just over a week and a half into our stay the doctors decided it was time to have the surgery. The surgeons wouldn't let me into the operating room where she would have the surgery and they urged me to go home for a few hours to rest and collect my thoughts.The surgery was a success. They removed Robins remaining ovary and about fifteen to twenty pounds of cancerous tumor. I remember her smiling as she awoke from the anesthesia and saw my face. She had about fifteen IV bags filled with various medication and I had to help her move her IV bag carousel organizer every time she needed to use the restroom. I stayed with her for the next few days until she was released. We were both in better spirits and soon after she would start chemotherapy. We both decided that everything was going to be okay.Over the course of the next few months, through chemotherapy and various medications and treatments, Robin showed drastic improvements. Although we both had a few troubles everything was looking up. Robin hated the huge scar the surgery left in her stomach and the fact that she was losing her hair as a side effect from the chemotherapy treatments, but I stayed by her side, even as every strand of hair fell from her head. My job, at the time, became very demanding and consumed much of my time, but other than that, I spent every second I could with Robin. With our problems aside we lived our lives to the fullest extent. Other than her regular doctors appointments, her scar, and her side effects, it was as if her illness never happened. We had our whole lives ahead of us and we decided to just put everything behind us. We stuck through it all, the good times, and the not so good times. She was all that would ever matter to me, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Just after Valentines day in February 2005 I asked her if she would marry me. It was more of a quirky question than an official proposal. She smiled wryly and told me she would, of course, if I ever officially proposed. I assured her I would after I went to college and I felt as if I could provide for her. It was a very happy time for the both of us, but little did we know, the worse was yet to come.It was around mid June 2005 when Robin slowly started getting worse. Her stomach started increasing in size but it seemed to be at a much slower rate this time. That had to be a good sign right? The doctors decided that another surgery was too risky and to continue with the chemotherapy treatments. Soon after Robin stopped responding to chemotherapy and the doctors decided that continuing it would just do more harm than good. The only other option for treating cancer at the time, was radiation treatment, but the doctors decided that would be a bad idea given the location and size of the tumor. It was at this time I truly started to worry for Robin's sake, as did her family, but through it all, she remained optimistic, even when there was nothing left. Her optimism was truly infectious and soon after her family and I started to share in it. Robin had came this far and we all decided that to lose hope now would just be crazy. She was the one good thing in my life I had going for me, and I refused to believe that cancer could ever take her away from me.It was around mid to late July 2005 when Robin had to be re-hospitalized. My job at the time became even more demanding and I had very few chances to visit her. I even remember working a twenty two hour shift once. A member of her family stayed with her in the hospital at all times to help make up for my absence.I last visited her in the afternoon of August 3rd 2005. It was devastating for me to see her in such a state. Her skin barely covered her skeleton. She must have weighed less than eighty pounds and a large portion of that weight was probably the tumor eating away at her. There was a strong sense of unspoken sadness in the room amongst myself and her family. You could feel it in the air. A dark and silent sadness you could see in the eyes of everyone in the room, right through there misleading optimistic faces. The sadness was like a darkness that filled the whole room with a low visibility, and all that was left was Robin's optimism shining brightly. We talked for a little while, mostly about making plans for things we would do when she was healthy enough to leave the hospital. I remember she asked me if I was hungry. I said I was a little but I'd just grab something on the way to work later. She smiled and decided that if I was hungry she would be the one to feed me. She crawled out of bed with help from her father and I, even after I insisted I was fine. She led me down a hallway to a microwave and warmed something up for me. I could never express how loving it feels to have someone, (even though they can barely walk) only want to nurture and take care of you. I helped her back into bed and she sat there quietly smiling, with a sense of self satisfaction, as she watched me eat. I remember seeing her IV carousel only had one bag of medicine on it. That's when my heart just dropped. After seeing that I knew that the doctors did all they could and nothing they could give her would make here better. The time for my departure grew near, I leaned down, kissed her goodbye and whispered into her ear "I love you" to which she replied "I love you too" Soon after I walked towards the door and I felt tears building up in my eyes. As I opened the door to leave I turned back just for a moment and I saw my beloved, smiling at me, optimist as ever. I felt her emitting a soothing calmness onto me, that filled me with a small glimmer of hope, making me feel as if everything was going to be alright.On August 5th 2005 at 9:14 AM I got a phone call from Robins friend Jill. I knew what she was going to say but I couldn't bring myself to accept it. She told me Robin had died. She said if I wanted to see her to say goodbye to come to the hospital and that, herself along with Robins family and friends, would all be there for my support. I found myself in tears soon after that phone call. It had been more than fifteen years since the last time I cried, and even that time couldn't compare to how sad I was this time. It was the saddest time I've ever lived through and it will probably be the saddest event I've ever faced over the course of the rest of my life. I waited a few hours before I went to see her because I did not want her family and friends to see me in such a state. The hospital that Robin was at, was about forty five minutes from where I lived at the time, but it seemed like the longest trip I ever took.As I approached the door to the room that Robin was in. I found it closed with a white rose fashioned to it. It was the only closed patient door on the entire floor. Inside I found my beloved Robin lying peacefully in her bed. I once again found myself crying. It was so painful to finally lose her, after all we had been through. I felt as if everything good in my life was gone. It felt like my life no longer had any meaning. I sat with her for at least an hour, holding her cold, lifeless hand, before I could pull myself away from her, and accept the fact that she was gone.

All my love died with her.

It took me more than three years to decide whether or not I wanted to write about this chapter in my life, and nearly a year to finish writing it. Everything in this story is true to the best of my memory, but I left a few details out for easier readability. Please feel free to comment on whatever your thoughts are about this story, as I am eager to read them.

My 2nd Love

I've decided to continue writing about my love life. I recommend you read my previous blog titled "My 1st love" before reading this one. To keep things anonymous I will refer to her as "SS" and keep specifics somewhat vague.It was early march, 1997 and I was sixteen if I remember correctly. I was going through a phase in my life where every girl seemed to want me. I had my own car and my own place and something about that drove girls nuts. I was young, attractive, confident, and independent. I remember dating and sleeping with several girls all the time. But the girls came and went and I longed for a steady relationship. I remember meeting SS in a local night club. She was one of my younger sisters friends at the time. A few friends, myself, my younger sisters, and SS all shared a ride there. I remember dancing with her at the night club but honestly I didn't know how to dance. I faked it through one song for her, being how she seemed to like dancing, but I had no idea what I was doing. We talked for brief moments as the night grew on and I found myself strongly attracted to her. She was beautiful. Long brown hair, cocoa brown skin, deep brown eyes that seemed to pull you in as you talked to her. She was very girly which is really a turn on for me. I love it when a girl looks nice, smells nice, and goes out of her way everyday to do her hair and make-up just to look good, even if she has nothing planned for that day. Eventually as the time passed that night I remember her inviting my sisters and me to her fifteenth birthday party just a few days away. I told her I'd be there.I don't remember much about her birthday party but I do remember her house. It was massive and very nice. One of the nicest houses I've ever been in. I remember meeting her mom. She had this funny accent that always made me giggle inside every time she spoke. I talked to SS here and there about whatever crossed my mind and I eventually started casually hitting on her. I was very attracted to her and I sensed she was attracted to me as well and judging from her eyes, body language, and tone of voice, she didn't seem uncomfortable with any of my advances. I was shy for some reason and I wanted to ask SS for her phone number. I remember getting the courage after we were alone to ask for it, she smiled and gave it to me. That was I big step for me. Once i got a girls number back in those days it was all over. I was very smooth and I had this deep sexy phone voice that seemed to drive girls nuts. On the phone I always seemed to say the right things at the right time. We talked for hours at a time over the phone and I eventually asked her out. On our first date I took her to a really nice local Spanish restaurant. We sat near the fireplace and talked quietly over dinner. I could tell this wasn't the kind of date she was accustomed to. She seemed shy and somewhat nervous but she hid it very well. We seemed to click on every level and I feel as if we were very lucky to have found each other. As the date ended I drove her home and as we pulled up to her house I leaned in and kissed her. It was nice and I knew that this was going to be the start of something special.The following few days after that first date were nice. We talked on the phone, went on more dates, and made out alot. I think after our fifth day together we had sex. It was amazing. I was very experienced with sex by this point in my life and she seemed to be as well. Over the course of our relationship no matter what we were going through in our lives or where we were in our relationship we always had great sex. Truly amazing sex. The kind of sex that most people only dream of having. We did the dirtiest things in the most random of places. It was very good and often as well, on average about 3-5 times a day. I still think to this day, after many years and several women, she is one of, or is, the greatest I've ever had in bed.One night, about a month into our relationship, I was dropping SS off at her house. As we sat in my car she told me she had something to tell me but she wasn't sure if she should. I thought she wanted to tell me that she loved me and I wanted to tell her the same but I wasn't sure if I was right in my assumption. For all I knew she was going to tell me she was pregnant. I had always expressed mixed feelings of love to her. Having experienced it myself and knowing how great and wonderful it can be, I also remember how painful it was. It's strange how nothing else I've ever experienced has made me feel so good and yet so bad. I told SS early on in our relationship that if she ever told me she loved me that she'd better know what love was, she'd better know what she was saying, and she'd better mean it. After a few minutes of hinting and hesitation she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her as well. There was no going back after this point and I knew that eventually our love would blossom into something truly special.That next year for valentines day I knew I had to do something really special for her, but I was low on cash. I was starting a long downward spiral into financial trouble at the time. I was staying at my fathers house, just the two of us, and the house was always a mess. My father was never there, he spent all his time at my mothers house, and I spent all of my time with SS. It was Feb. 13 1998 and I took an entire day off from SS and started planning a nice romantic dinner at my house for her. It took me the majority of the day to clean that filthy house and do some minor repairs but I managed to pull it off. I remember while I was taking some stuff into the basement I found a very old dusty bottle of wine. I was shocked to find it because no one in my family ever drank wine and I was very curious why it was there. It was a very fortunate find being that I was planning to serve wine with the dinner. After an eternity of cleaning and repairs I finally got that house looking decent for my plans with SS the following day. That following valentines day morning I started cooking. I didn't know how to cook very many dishes at the time but I managed to create a masterpiece. It was a chicken stir fry with an Asian glaze and white rice if I remember correctly. I pulled out the good china and set the table. I covered the table with rose petals. I paid alot of attention to detail making sure that all the flatware matched and timing the candles so that I knew if I lit them and then left to pick her up that they would still be burning when I got back and continue burning throughout the course of the meal. On my way to pick her up later that evening I made a few stops along the way, getting her a single red rose, a greeting card, and a snickers candy bar. I've always thought that a single rose was more meaningful than an entire dozen and a snickers is always better than a box of chocolates. Chocolates are always to much of a gamble. Some of them are good but most of them are nasty, and there's no telling whats inside the chocolates so you have to eat them at your own risk. I picked her up, gave her my small tokens of love, and told her I had a surprise for her. I remember blindfolding her, as not to ruin my little surprise, and we set off. I held her hand, walked her up into my house, and removed her blindfold. She was shocked to say the least. I don't think anyone had ever done anything so romantic for her in her life. We sat and ate while gazing into each others eyes through the dim candle light. I remember how the candle light seemed to dance in her eyes like a child dancing in the rain.Later that year, early in July 1998, a little over a year into our relationship, SS, her mother and one of her mother's friends Lucy Invited me to Steamboat Springs for the fourth of July weekend. I accepted and we set off. It was a long drive. SS and I just made out for the entire trip in the back seat. When we got there we ate at a local restaurant and I think SS's mother was impressed at my good manners and proper table etiquette. Later that evening we all went to a natural hot spring in the area where clothing was optional after dark. We swam for a few hours and eventually many people started taking off their swimsuits. It was dark and I couldn't really see well but I do have to admit SS's mother and her mother's friend had fantastic racks for women their ages. Eventually SS and found a secluded area in the swimming area and had sex in the water. Later that evening we returned to the cabin where we were staying and SS's mother retired for the evening due to neck pain. Lucy, SS and I found a sauna and we sat in the steam for a while. After about thirty minutes Lucy retired for the evening and SS and I once again had sex right there in the sauna. That following day it was the Fourth of July and we all went into town to see the sights. We eventually got on a gondola ride and rode up the mountain. After we got to the top and all enjoyed the view we started the descent in different gondola cars. SS and I had sex on the way down being how the cars were all somewhat private. We always seemed to find places to have sex. When it came to our sex life we were like bunnys on crack that just got out of prison. Later that evening we went to a park and settled down on a few blankets to watch the fire works. Eventually the fireworks began and I remember looking at them in the reflection of SS's deep brown eyes. I felt a strange tingling sensation all throughout my body. It's very hard to describe what I felt. It was like feeling a million different emotions all at once. Sadness, joy, pain, and happiness were all there but I remember one that stood out in particular.... Love. I asked her "do you feel that?" and she said "yes" I knew right there, at the one single moment in time, that I was truly in love with her, and I would love her for the rest of my life.That following year on the fourth of July I knew I had to do something really special for her. She came over to my house late in the afternoon. I still remember what she was wearing. A white spagetti strap half shirt with a white bra, a long black skirt with slits down each side, sexy black lace panties, a black garter belt with black thigh high stalkings, black heels, and vanilla scented perfume. I gave her a greeting card, single red rose, and a snickers bar. I let her believe that was all I had planned for the day. I could tell she was upset, but she hid it from me. I don't know why she didn't express her feelings of disappointment to me. I think it's like getting a crappy gift from someone. You don't want them to know their gift was bad out of fear of hurting their feelings. As the day grew on and the sky grew dark I told her that we should climb up on top of the roof to get a better view of the fireworks. I followed her up to the rooftop where I had set up a nice romantic candle light dinner for the two of us. I spent most of the morning cooking and hauling a table up on top of my flat rooftop. There was wine, candles, and food. It was very sudden and unexpected and I remember she was shocked at my romantic suprise. After we ate, we moved onto a blanket I had laid out and we made love right there on the rooftop while the fireworks were bursting into the night sky. Since that night every time I see fireworks my thoughts always drift back to her.Like I said before love is two sided. Along with all the good times we had together we also had bad times. I blame myself for most of them. I am a broken man from a broken past and I never wanted SS to find that out. It started out with little white lies at first. I never wanted SS to find out who I really was or where I came from. Every time she asked about my past I just made something up and stuck with it. A mans past shouldn't effect his present or his future. This was my first mistake. Any good relationship should be based on trust and I surrounded my self with this shell filled with lies. SS wasn't perfect herself and had similar troubles in her past that were all covered with lies. There was also infidelity. I cheated on here twice early on in our relationship and once a little later into it. I can't really say why I did it but I do remember a feeling of being wanted by someone else and I liked that feeling. I guess I just wanted to know that I still had that boyish charm and that I could still get any girl I wanted. She eventually found out about my infidelity roughly two years into our relationship and broke up with me. I was devastated at first, but I tried to hide how I felt for some reason. A few days after the break up she called me. I said I was sorry and from that point on it seemed like "sorry" was every other word out of my mouth. She just couldn't seem let it go and it drove me nuts. She came over after that phone call and after a long heartfelt conversation we made up and had sex. I promised her that I would never cheat on her again and it was a promise that I kept. We were back together at that point but everything seemed so different. Our relation seemed so dull and lifeless from that point on. I later found out that due to the lack of trust in our relationship it would eventually lead to its destruction.We were together off and on over the course of the next year or so. We broke up about once a month, usually over the most stupid of things, usually something trust related, but we always got back together. I was really struggling with finances at that point, and after hanging out with "the wrong crowd" of people, I turned to crime for help. My life seemed to be going nowhere at the time and that didn't help with my relationship with SS. It seemed like nothing I could do could ever fix our relationship. I myself was struggling with my own problems at the time, and my roller coaster of feelings with SS just seemed to get in the way and bring me down even farther. One would think I would just cut my losses and get her out of my life for good, but I loved her, and I didn't want to give that up.It was late Spring 2000 when we finally broke up for good. It was during one of our longer periods of time apart, a few months I believe, and I was struggling to get my life together. I was living alone with my dad and I was trying to get back into the whole dating scene. For the first time in a while I felt as if I was on the right track. I had pretty much given up on our relationship at this point. Nothing I could ever do would ever fix it. Then, out of nowhere, she had called me. We talked about our relationship, the good times and the bad. She had mentioned something about getting into a fight with her mother and asked if she could spend the night at my place. I told her it would be alright and she came over. We had sex that night and I must admit, It was way better than most of the girls I was sleeping with recently. I felt all those feelings I thought were gone forever starting to surface again. As we lay there on my bed I asked her if she had ever cheated on me. She said she did 3 times and explained them to me. Two of them were early on in our relationship and one later in our relationship... With my best friend. It was devastating to find this out after so long, after all the lies, but I forgave her. I guess it was because I didn't want to put her through what I had gone through when she found out I had cheated on her. It was very annoying to apologize and be forgiven over and over for the same thing and each time it seemed to mean nothing. She left early that next morning and it gave me time to think about how I really felt. I was angry, very angry. I thought I was the bad guy this whole time when it turned out she was even worse. She had cheated on me, and lied about it even longer than I had, and it was with my best friend just to make things worse. Later that day she called me. She was crying on the phone and I knew she just wanted someone to tell her everything was going to be alright. This was common for her, whenever she was feeling sad, she wanted me to sympathize with her. But what about my feelings. What about my pain. I was so sick of caring about her feelings and putting her needs before my own in hopes that it would bring us closer together and help mend our relationship. I was sick of everything. I don't even remember why she was crying but I knew whatever it was I didn't want to hear it. I just blew her off and told her never to call me again.A few years had gone by and I was in a new relationship when I finally heard from her again. I think we had enough time to heal and I met up with her at a local restaurant for dinner. She was married now and doing very well for herself. We talked for a few hours catching up and exchanging pleasantries. She seemed at peace with everything that happened between us and so was I.A few years later I went through the most devastating event in my life so far and for some reason I thought about SS. I wanted to see her again. I knew deep down, she was the only person in my life that knew me well enough, that could help me with what I was going through. She invited me to her and her new husbands house for dinner. We talked for a few hours and she helped me more than I thought she could. We made plans to go out for drinks a few days later but she called me and canceled. She said she was still attracted to me and it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore. I didn't want in any way to hurt her marriage. Damn my boyish charm. That was the last time I ever saw her.It's very hard to put into words what we went though over the course of our relationship and I'm sure I've left many things out due to my terrible memory. But the lessons I've learned in life and love throughout the course of our relationship will stay with me always.

My 1st Love

I don't know why but I feel like writing about my first love. To keep things anonymous I will refer to her as "LE" and keep specifics somewhat vague. It was 1990 and I knew LE from school. We were in the same class for most of the school year but I was very smart for my age and I was moved ahead two grades into a more advanced class. After that I only saw LE during recess and the in lunchroom. We never really spoke, but I had such a huge crush on her. She was beautiful. Long blond hair, Blue eyes, and a very shapely figure for someone her age. I remember one day in mid May my parents couldn't come pick me up after school for some unknown reason so I had 2 choices, Either wait 2-3 hours for my teacher to get off work to give me a ride home or walk the 45 minute walk. I started out walking but just as I exited the school I bumped into LE waiting for her mother to pick her up. She offered me a ride and I eagerly accepted. It turned out we lived 3 blocks away from each other. I remember getting out of the car and I had asked LE if she would like to come to my upcoming birthday party. I was so nervous. At that age I had no idea how to talk to girls, especially cute ones. She smiled and after getting an approving look from her mom she accepted. Over the next 2 weeks at school I hung out with her everyday at recess and in the lunchroom. We talked about everything and I mostly remember her laughing at the things I said. I was so nerdy and she seemed so mature. I do remember loving it when she laughed. I think that's where I developed my sense of humor. I love making people laugh even today. She came to my party. It was a pretty typical 9th birthday party with the cake and the balloons and the presents and what not. I remember getting a few Nintendo games which was sweet. Nintendo was awesome at that age. As the party died out and dusk approached LE and I snuck off to this small private secluded area in our neighborhood behind a gas station where my friends and I made a fort. We talked for a while and I remember her asking me why I wasn't playing my new games or hanging out with any of my other friends. I responded "There is no where I'd rather be than right here with you." She smiled and blushed and I knew right then that she just melted. I felt as if I had said the right thing at the right time and I really didn't want to mess it up with one of my lame jokes. I wanted to kiss her. It felt like the time was right but I was so shy. I remember going for it and I leaned in so fast we almost collided. It was my first real kiss. I had no idea what the hell I was doing but I managed to pull it off. We ended up doing other things that I will not mention but I will say we were way to young to do the things we did that night. We had the whole summer ahead of us and we had a blast. I hung out with LE everyday that entire summer and eventually one day when we were swimming she told me she loved me. I had no idea how I felt or what love really was but I told her I loved her back and I left it at that. I had no idea what love was or if I even felt it for her but I would soon find out. That fall when the "back to school" signs started appearing every where I found out I was going to an advanced school for people who academically advanced. The advanced school was more than 200 miles away. I felt a sinking feeling in my chest because I knew my time with LE was coming to an end. She was moving out of state anyways. I remember saying goodbye to her. It was hard. Harder than anything someone at that age should have to go through. I think that's when I truly found out , as my car was pulling away and I saw her fading into the distance, at that one single moment, I found out what love was.

photo courtesy of amarkedman.com

janemariemd

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