It was late October 2003 and one of my friends asked me if I wanted to go to a Halloween party with him and his wife in Colorado Springs. He said we would be staying overnight in a motel and there was going to be plenty of girls there. I didn't have anything else planned for that day, and I must admit I liked the sound of girls being there, so I accepted.
On Halloween, early in the evening, my friend called me on my cell and told me we were leaving soon and to meet him outside. I walked out front and met up with him and his wife near the parking lot. It was cold and snowing that evening. The kind of snow that's really wet and sticks to everything. My friend didn't want to take his car due to the weather so we were catching a ride with a few other party goers. We smoked a cigarette while we waited and eventually a dark blue S.U.V. pulled up blasting the Batman theme at full volume. A guy I did not know, about in his mid his twenties, in a Batman costume, emerged from the driver side door. Another guy popped out of the passenger side door dressed as Batmans sidekick. Right away I could tell right away that this was going to be a sweet party. After a quick smoke with 'The Dynamic Duo' and a few introductions, we were ready to leave. My friend and I climbed into the back seat eager to get out of the weather while his wife climbed into the vehicle through the back hatch. We set off and soon after I noticed a few girls talking and giggling behind me. I looked back and were three women. I knew two of them from before. There was My friends wife, her sister Jill, and the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life... Robin.
The visibility was low in the dark vehicle and eventually we pulled into a gas station for some fuel, a quick smoke, and some refreshments. I remember lighting up a cigarette while watching Robin climbing out of the back of the vehicle along with the other two women to stretch their legs and grab some refreshments. As she walked past me on her way inside our eyes met and she smiled shyly. Right at that moment time seemed to stand still. It felt like my heart skipped a beat. She was truly a wondrous creature. She was about 5'6' with long semi-curly brown hair, tanned olive colored skin, full lush lips, a sexy toned shapely figure, and deep hazel eyes. Her eyes were the feature that caught my attention the most. They were like two dark sparkling pools of sheer beauty, in which I was drowning.
Before we arrived at the party we stopped at the motel we would be staying in for the night, to check in. While the guys settled in one room and raided the mini bar, the girls changed into their costumes in the other room. After the girls were changed they met up with us in our room. I remember seeing Robin in her sexy black costume. She had an fairly ample chest and her costume displayed it quite nicely, but I just couldn't take my eyes off of hers. After deciding who was sleeping where we set off to the party.
When we arrived, blasting the Batman theme at full volume once again, the party was in a full roar. We all went inside to enjoy the festivities and there was around twenty five people there. There was mostly women there, which was nice, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of Robin. She had a very feminine and nurturing sense about her that drove me crazy. As soon as we got there Robin poured us all a round of drinks and offered one to me. I took that as my opportunity to strike up a conversation with her. I didn't think I stood a chance at hitting on her, being that, a girl of her caliber, must have gotten hit on all the time. Besides, some one that beautiful, as beautiful as she was, (and she really was that beautiful) most likely had a boyfriend already, and if not she definitely got hit on all the time. She filled the room with a sort of calming gentle beauty that always seemed to put everyone at ease. She was always so full of life and cheer, anybody around her, was immediately bewitched by it. She was the kind of girl that just from looking at her, made you forget all your troubles. We talked for a few minutes, just casual chit-chat, before I got pulled away by my friend. I don't even remember what he wanted but I do remember drilling him with questions about Robin. He informed me that he 'thought' she was single but didn't know for sure and told me to ask Jill, his wife's sister, who knew her better. I eventually found Jill and starting asking questions. She could tell I was interested in Robin from my inquiries and I asked her if she could hook me up. She told me she'll see what she could do.
After a while, when the party as a whole was good and drunk, we all started coming up with random ways to entertain ourselves. There was a chair in the living room that we starting referring to as the 'hot seat' and at any given time random people got elected to sit in the chair and make out. It was very entertaining because we usually elected two women to have a turn in the hot seat. They had to have a 'party approved' kiss, which was always open mouthed and drawn out, before they were allowed to stop. My friend and Jill knew that I was interested in Robin and after a while they insisted it was time for us to have a turn. I sat nervously in the hot seat while Robin rested her gentle frame upon my lap. She didn't seem shy at all, which was odd because I was very shy and hessitant. We started a what had to be a 'party approved' kiss and because of the parties encouragement we continued our kiss. We stayed there in the chair, passionately kissing, for hours, long after the party wandered off finding other ways to amuse themselves. It was the kind of kiss you only see in the movies or read about in romance novels. We stopped from time to time to talk amongst ourselves about how good of a kisser we each thought the other was and how attractive we each thought the other one was. I remember telling her that she was only interested in me because of her alcohol consumption, although she wasn't really even buzzed, and she would most likely regret all of this in the morning. She just smiled and assured me if it was like that, it would be the other way around, and I needed to adjust my beer goggles. (that was a laugh) I remember getting interrupted several times by three of her, well built, older brothers, reminding me that she was their 'little sister' Assuring them I wasn't going to take advantage of her or do anything stupid they eventually left us alone.
After the party died out we all returned to the motel and got ready for bed. I got nestled into bed while Robin was in the bathroom removing her make-up and changing into something more comfortable to sleep in. It was a room with two beds, I had my own, while one of robins brothers was drunkenly passed out on the other. After Robin was finished in the bathroom, much to my surprise, she crawled into bed with me instead of her brother where she was supposed to sleep. We continued our steamy romance long into the night while being mindful that her older brother was sleeping just a few feet away. I remember her snuggling her tiny, gentle frame up to mine and as we drifted off to sleep I thought to myself this is going to be the start of something truly amazing.
The next day, after sleeping in just a bit to long, we all got ready and set off for home. It was a long ride. Robin and I didn't talk much because we were both still pretty tired but we did sit next to each other and exchange phone numbers. After the long ride my friend, his wife, and myself eventually arrived at our destination. I kissed Robin goodbye and told her I'd call her. I thought to myself I have to play this one cool. I can't call her to soon or she'll think I'm desperate, however, I can't wait to long to call her or she'll think I don't care about her. Back then, the unspoken rule on calling someone you just met was three days, no more, no less. Later that evening my cell phone rang and much to my surprise it was Robin. I let it ring a few times, just to be safe, before I answered. I could tell right away that she wasn't your typical girl being that she was the one to call me, and so soon. We talked about several topics and we seemed to agree on everything. We spoke for several hours long into the night and she eventually talked me into picking her up and taking her out, on a date, to get some food. There isn't anyplace nice to eat at one in the morning and I wanted our first date to be a nice one, but nonetheless I wanted to see her at whatever the cost. I drove to her house, which was very far away, and called her on my cell phone when I arrived. She came outside, got into my car, and we set off on our little late night adventure.
Our first date wasn't much worth mentioning, but it was nice. We went to Denny's, being practically the only place open that late, and as we arrived, everyone in the room had to have a look at her. She was that gorgeous. Everywhere she went she lit up the room and people just gawked at her beauty in awe. After we were seated and went over the menu, we ordered our food, and sat there waiting. We smoked a few cigarettes as we waited for our food to arrive and made small talk here and there. I remember getting lost in her eyes so many times as she spoke, I hardly even heard what she said. After we ate and left I took her for a late night drive around the town and eventually dropped her off. I kissed her goodnight and promised her a much nicer date the next time I saw her. A date she would never forget.
We spoke over the phone everyday there after about many topics. We even had long periods of comfortable silence on the phone while we she watched TV and I played video games. It was nice just to listen to her breathe. I asked her out on a more proper date a few days after our first date and she eagerly accepted. I picked her up early in the evening and we set off. I took her to a movie at first. I don't really recall what it was being that we just kissed the whole time. After the movie was over I took her to one of my favorite restaurants Nokhu on Canyon. It's now called The Canyon Chop House and it retains its' title as my favorite restaurant. When we arrived I gave the hostess our reservation information and she took our coats for us and showed us to our seats. She pulled out Robin's chair for her and placed her napkin in her lap for her. There was a smooth jazz music playing in the background and the whole place had a modern artsy look to it. It was very dim and quiet with wine bottles and candles everywhere. I ordered a glass of red wine, Napa Altamura Nebbiolo, if I remember correctly, Robin ordered a Coke, not yet being of legal drinking age, and we started out with a half dozen oysters on the half shell. After a few minutes of hesitation she ordered a braised lamb shank pasta and I ordered the jumbo lump blue crab with avocado. We talked quietly over dinner and once again I found myself getting lost in her eyes. It's funny how I recall all the little details but when I try to picture her face all I can see in my mind is her eyes. She had those deep, rich, hazel eyes that only the few possess and the mass envy.
About two months into our relationship, late in December, Robin and I were out late one night for a midnight drive. I came across a nice deserted area, overlooking a few flickering lights, spread out across a vast field. It was the kind of place you would go to get away from it all. We sat there quietly, listening to the radio, and gazing up into the cloudless night sky at all of the distant shimmering stars. I thought to myself how much she meant to me and while I was with her I didn't have a care in the world. I looked deeply into her eyes and I felt a small voice creep up from inside me. 'I love you' I said with an almost child like innocence. I could see the happiness on her face as it lit up. She smiled shyly and said 'I love you too'
Throughout the course of our relationship I lavished Robin with gifts and affection. I wanted her to know just how much she meant to me. I took her out to eat, almost everyday, at some of the nicest restaurants across the state. We were truly inseparable. She stayed with me at my house nearly everyday and we never seemed to get bored with each other. I remember coming home late from work and she was always there waiting in anticipation for my return. We did everything together. My only goal was wanting her to feel as loved as I did.
In early June 2004 Robin's family was going on a road trip to California to attend to some family matters and they invited me along. Knowing that Robin would be going I accepted and soon after we all set off. It was a long trip and I could feel Robins anticipation building as we got closer to our destination. She was raised in the golden state and was eager to return to catch up with the people and memories she had long ago left behind. We arrived at her one of her sisters' house after several long hours of driving. It was a small house with a very large palm tree in the yard. Robin and I had a quick shower and settled in for our stay. After a few introductions she took me to see the many places she remembered from her past. We went from place to place visiting many people and places throughout the state. It was a very sunny and humid state filled with a culturally diverse people. After our short visit in California we set off for home. It was an even longer ride back and the miles dragged on forever. Robin started complaining of a pain in her stomach and I did my best to comfort her. She shrugged it off as motion sickness and left it at that.
In the following weeks the pain in robins stomach grew stronger and she decided to go see a doctor. At the doctors office they did an ultrasound on her stomach and found something unusual. It was what they described as a 'foot ball' sized anomaly in her lower abdomen. Robin had had a thirteen pound non-cancerous tumor along with one of her ovaries removed before I had met her and the doctor thought that's what it was once again. He took some blood tests and referred her to a specialist in Denver that had better equipment and expertise to deal with the situation. The appointment in Denver was far off, meanwhile, Robin and I just shrugged her sickness off to another thirteen pound non-cancerous tumor. A few weeks of pain and a quick surgery and she would be as good as new. Over the course of the next month, Robins stomach grew significantly in size as did her pain, I did all that I could to comfort and care for her. She was my whole world and It pained me to see her hurting. Eventually the wait was over and I drove her to see the specialist in Denver. We waited forever in the doctors office waiting room before the nurse called Robins name out. After an even longer wait in the exam room the doctor came in holding a chart containing her blood test results and told us that Robin had cancer.
It was truly devastating news but we remained optimistic. Robin was young and in excellent health. Cancer usually only showed up in older people with already weakened immune systems and even they had a fairly decent shot at survival. We believed even though cancer could be lethal there was no way she would die from this. The doctors gave her medication and follow up treatments to help her with her illness and we both ate a little healthier. Other than that Robin and I continued life as usual. Over the few remaining months in 2004 Robin seemed to show a little improvement until around January 2005 when everything seemed to drastically change for the worse.
The doctors decided that traditional treatments weren't working and wanted to try surgery to remove the tumor and then chemotherapy treatment to kill the remaining cancer cells. It was a bold move but it proved to be extremely effective in other cases. By this time the tumor in Robin's stomach was so large she looked like she was far beyond a full term pregnancy. Robin decided to do what the doctors recommended and we set out for a hospital in Denver to have the procedure. It was a two week in-patient procedure and I stayed by her side for the entire duration. Normally people could only visit during preset times but the doctors and hospital staff could clearly see in my eyes that the term 'visiting hours' did not apply to me. Robin was my whole world and I would never leave her side, especially in her time of need. For two weeks we stayed in that miserable place, and the only thing that kept us going was each other. I didn't shower, shave, or, change my clothes. My eyes got infected from not changing my contacts lenses. I only slept a few hours every few days due to sheer exhaustion. Just after a week I ran out of money and I couldn't afford to eat. I even almost lost my job, but none of that seemed to matter. All I wanted was to see Robin get better. Just over a week and a half into our stay the doctors decided it was time to have the surgery. The surgeons wouldn't let me into the operating room where she would have the surgery and they urged me to go home for a few hours to rest and collect my thoughts.
The surgery was a success. They removed Robins remaining ovary and about fifteen to twenty pounds of cancerous tumor. I remember her smiling as she awoke from the anesthesia and saw my face. She had about fifteen IV bags filled with various medication and I had to help her move her IV bag carousel organizer every time she needed to use the restroom. I stayed with her for the next few days until she was released. We were both in better spirits and soon after she would start chemotherapy. We both decided that everything was going to be okay.
Over the course of the next few months, through chemotherapy and various medications and treatments, Robin showed drastic improvements. Although we both had a few troubles everything was looking up. Robin hated the huge scar the surgery left in her stomach and the fact that she was losing her hair as a side effect from the chemotherapy treatments, but I stayed by her side, even as every strand of hair fell from her head. My job, at the time, became very demanding and consumed much of my time, but other than that, I spent every second I could with Robin. With our problems aside we lived our lives to the fullest extent. Other than her regular doctors appointments, her scar, and her side effects, it was as if her illness never happened. We had our whole lives ahead of us and we decided to just put everything behind us. We stuck through it all, the good times, and the not so good times. She was all that would ever matter to me, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Just after Valentines day in February 2005 I asked her if she would marry me. It was more of a quirky question than an official proposal. She smiled wryly and told me she would, of course, if I ever officially proposed. I assured her I would after I went to college and I felt as if I could provide for her. It was a very happy time for the both of us, but little did we know, the worse was yet to come.
It was around mid June 2005 when Robin slowly started getting worse. Her stomach started increasing in size but it seemed to be at a much slower rate this time. That had to be a good sign right? The doctors decided that another surgery was too risky and to continue with the chemotherapy treatments. Soon after Robin stopped responding to chemotherapy and the doctors decided that continuing it would just do more harm than good. The only other option for treating cancer at the time, was radiation treatment, but the doctors decided that would be a bad idea given the location and size of the tumor. It was at this time I truly started to worry for Robin's sake, as did her family, but through it all, she remained optimistic, even when there was nothing left. Her optimism was truly infectious and soon after her family and I started to share in it. Robin had came this far and we all decided that to lose hope now would just be crazy. She was the one good thing in my life I had going for me, and I refused to believe that cancer could ever take her away from me.
It was around mid to late July 2005 when Robin had to be re-hospitalized. My job at the time became even more demanding and I had very few chances to visit her. I even remember working a twenty two hour shift once. A member of her family stayed with her in the hospital at all times to help make up for my absence.
I last visited her in the afternoon of August 3rd 2005. It was devastating for me to see her in such a state. Her skin barely covered her skeleton. She must have weighed less than eighty pounds and a large portion of that weight was probably the tumor eating away at her. There was a strong sense of unspoken sadness in the room amongst myself and her family. You could feel it in the air. A dark and silent sadness you could see in the eyes of everyone in the room, right through there misleading optimistic faces. The sadness was like a darkness that filled the whole room with a low visibility, and all that was left was Robin's optimism shining brightly.
We talked for a little while, mostly about making plans for things we would do when she was healthy enough to leave the hospital. I remember she asked me if I was hungry. I said I was a little but I'd just grab something on the way to work later. She smiled and decided that if I was hungry she would be the one to feed me. She crawled out of bed with help from her father and I, even after I insisted I was fine. She led me down a hallway to a microwave and warmed something up for me. I could never express how loving it feels to have someone, (even though they can barely walk) only want to nurture and take care of you. I helped her back into bed and she sat there quietly smiling, with a sense of self satisfaction, as she watched me eat. I remember seeing her IV carousel only had one bag of medicine on it. That's when my heart just dropped. After seeing that I knew that the doctors did all they could and nothing they could give her would make here better. The time for my departure grew near, I leaned down, kissed her goodbye and whispered into her ear "I love you" to which she replied "I love you too" Soon after I walked towards the door and I felt tears building up in my eyes. As I opened the door to leave I turned back just for a moment and I saw my beloved, smiling at me, optimist as ever. I felt her emitting a soothing calmness onto me, that filled me with a small glimmer of hope, making me feel as if everything was going to be alright.
On August 5th 2005 at 9:14 AM I got a phone call from Robins friend Jill. I knew what she was going to say but I couldn't bring myself to accept it. She told me Robin had died. She said if I wanted to see her to say goodbye to come to the hospital and that, herself along with Robins family and friends, would all be there for my support. I found myself in tears soon after that phone call. It had been more than fifteen years since the last time I cried, and even that time couldn't compare to how sad I was this time. It was the saddest time I've ever lived through and it will probably be the saddest event I've ever faced over the course of the rest of my life. I waited a few hours before I went to see her because I did not want her family and friends to see me in such a state. The hospital that Robin was at, was about forty five minutes from where I lived at the time, but it seemed like the longest trip I ever took.
As I approached the door to the room that Robin was in. I found it closed with a white rose fashioned to it. It was the only closed patient door on the entire floor. Inside I found my beloved Robin lying peacefully in her bed. I once again found myself crying. It was so painful to finally lose her, after all we had been through. I felt as if everything good in my life was gone. It felt like my life no longer had any meaning. I sat with her for at least an hour, holding her cold, lifeless hand, before I could pull myself away from her, and accept the fact that she was gone.
It took me more than three years to decide whether or not I wanted to write about this chapter in my life, and nearly a year to finish writing it. Everything in this story is true to the best of my memory, but I left a few details out for easier readability. Please feel free to comment on whatever your thoughts are about this story, as I am eager to read them.
On Halloween, early in the evening, my friend called me on my cell and told me we were leaving soon and to meet him outside. I walked out front and met up with him and his wife near the parking lot. It was cold and snowing that evening. The kind of snow that's really wet and sticks to everything. My friend didn't want to take his car due to the weather so we were catching a ride with a few other party goers. We smoked a cigarette while we waited and eventually a dark blue S.U.V. pulled up blasting the Batman theme at full volume. A guy I did not know, about in his mid his twenties, in a Batman costume, emerged from the driver side door. Another guy popped out of the passenger side door dressed as Batmans sidekick. Right away I could tell right away that this was going to be a sweet party. After a quick smoke with 'The Dynamic Duo' and a few introductions, we were ready to leave. My friend and I climbed into the back seat eager to get out of the weather while his wife climbed into the vehicle through the back hatch. We set off and soon after I noticed a few girls talking and giggling behind me. I looked back and were three women. I knew two of them from before. There was My friends wife, her sister Jill, and the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life... Robin.
The visibility was low in the dark vehicle and eventually we pulled into a gas station for some fuel, a quick smoke, and some refreshments. I remember lighting up a cigarette while watching Robin climbing out of the back of the vehicle along with the other two women to stretch their legs and grab some refreshments. As she walked past me on her way inside our eyes met and she smiled shyly. Right at that moment time seemed to stand still. It felt like my heart skipped a beat. She was truly a wondrous creature. She was about 5'6' with long semi-curly brown hair, tanned olive colored skin, full lush lips, a sexy toned shapely figure, and deep hazel eyes. Her eyes were the feature that caught my attention the most. They were like two dark sparkling pools of sheer beauty, in which I was drowning.
Before we arrived at the party we stopped at the motel we would be staying in for the night, to check in. While the guys settled in one room and raided the mini bar, the girls changed into their costumes in the other room. After the girls were changed they met up with us in our room. I remember seeing Robin in her sexy black costume. She had an fairly ample chest and her costume displayed it quite nicely, but I just couldn't take my eyes off of hers. After deciding who was sleeping where we set off to the party.
When we arrived, blasting the Batman theme at full volume once again, the party was in a full roar. We all went inside to enjoy the festivities and there was around twenty five people there. There was mostly women there, which was nice, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of Robin. She had a very feminine and nurturing sense about her that drove me crazy. As soon as we got there Robin poured us all a round of drinks and offered one to me. I took that as my opportunity to strike up a conversation with her. I didn't think I stood a chance at hitting on her, being that, a girl of her caliber, must have gotten hit on all the time. Besides, some one that beautiful, as beautiful as she was, (and she really was that beautiful) most likely had a boyfriend already, and if not she definitely got hit on all the time. She filled the room with a sort of calming gentle beauty that always seemed to put everyone at ease. She was always so full of life and cheer, anybody around her, was immediately bewitched by it. She was the kind of girl that just from looking at her, made you forget all your troubles. We talked for a few minutes, just casual chit-chat, before I got pulled away by my friend. I don't even remember what he wanted but I do remember drilling him with questions about Robin. He informed me that he 'thought' she was single but didn't know for sure and told me to ask Jill, his wife's sister, who knew her better. I eventually found Jill and starting asking questions. She could tell I was interested in Robin from my inquiries and I asked her if she could hook me up. She told me she'll see what she could do.
After a while, when the party as a whole was good and drunk, we all started coming up with random ways to entertain ourselves. There was a chair in the living room that we starting referring to as the 'hot seat' and at any given time random people got elected to sit in the chair and make out. It was very entertaining because we usually elected two women to have a turn in the hot seat. They had to have a 'party approved' kiss, which was always open mouthed and drawn out, before they were allowed to stop. My friend and Jill knew that I was interested in Robin and after a while they insisted it was time for us to have a turn. I sat nervously in the hot seat while Robin rested her gentle frame upon my lap. She didn't seem shy at all, which was odd because I was very shy and hessitant. We started a what had to be a 'party approved' kiss and because of the parties encouragement we continued our kiss. We stayed there in the chair, passionately kissing, for hours, long after the party wandered off finding other ways to amuse themselves. It was the kind of kiss you only see in the movies or read about in romance novels. We stopped from time to time to talk amongst ourselves about how good of a kisser we each thought the other was and how attractive we each thought the other one was. I remember telling her that she was only interested in me because of her alcohol consumption, although she wasn't really even buzzed, and she would most likely regret all of this in the morning. She just smiled and assured me if it was like that, it would be the other way around, and I needed to adjust my beer goggles. (that was a laugh) I remember getting interrupted several times by three of her, well built, older brothers, reminding me that she was their 'little sister' Assuring them I wasn't going to take advantage of her or do anything stupid they eventually left us alone.
After the party died out we all returned to the motel and got ready for bed. I got nestled into bed while Robin was in the bathroom removing her make-up and changing into something more comfortable to sleep in. It was a room with two beds, I had my own, while one of robins brothers was drunkenly passed out on the other. After Robin was finished in the bathroom, much to my surprise, she crawled into bed with me instead of her brother where she was supposed to sleep. We continued our steamy romance long into the night while being mindful that her older brother was sleeping just a few feet away. I remember her snuggling her tiny, gentle frame up to mine and as we drifted off to sleep I thought to myself this is going to be the start of something truly amazing.
The next day, after sleeping in just a bit to long, we all got ready and set off for home. It was a long ride. Robin and I didn't talk much because we were both still pretty tired but we did sit next to each other and exchange phone numbers. After the long ride my friend, his wife, and myself eventually arrived at our destination. I kissed Robin goodbye and told her I'd call her. I thought to myself I have to play this one cool. I can't call her to soon or she'll think I'm desperate, however, I can't wait to long to call her or she'll think I don't care about her. Back then, the unspoken rule on calling someone you just met was three days, no more, no less. Later that evening my cell phone rang and much to my surprise it was Robin. I let it ring a few times, just to be safe, before I answered. I could tell right away that she wasn't your typical girl being that she was the one to call me, and so soon. We talked about several topics and we seemed to agree on everything. We spoke for several hours long into the night and she eventually talked me into picking her up and taking her out, on a date, to get some food. There isn't anyplace nice to eat at one in the morning and I wanted our first date to be a nice one, but nonetheless I wanted to see her at whatever the cost. I drove to her house, which was very far away, and called her on my cell phone when I arrived. She came outside, got into my car, and we set off on our little late night adventure.
Our first date wasn't much worth mentioning, but it was nice. We went to Denny's, being practically the only place open that late, and as we arrived, everyone in the room had to have a look at her. She was that gorgeous. Everywhere she went she lit up the room and people just gawked at her beauty in awe. After we were seated and went over the menu, we ordered our food, and sat there waiting. We smoked a few cigarettes as we waited for our food to arrive and made small talk here and there. I remember getting lost in her eyes so many times as she spoke, I hardly even heard what she said. After we ate and left I took her for a late night drive around the town and eventually dropped her off. I kissed her goodnight and promised her a much nicer date the next time I saw her. A date she would never forget.
We spoke over the phone everyday there after about many topics. We even had long periods of comfortable silence on the phone while we she watched TV and I played video games. It was nice just to listen to her breathe. I asked her out on a more proper date a few days after our first date and she eagerly accepted. I picked her up early in the evening and we set off. I took her to a movie at first. I don't really recall what it was being that we just kissed the whole time. After the movie was over I took her to one of my favorite restaurants Nokhu on Canyon. It's now called The Canyon Chop House and it retains its' title as my favorite restaurant. When we arrived I gave the hostess our reservation information and she took our coats for us and showed us to our seats. She pulled out Robin's chair for her and placed her napkin in her lap for her. There was a smooth jazz music playing in the background and the whole place had a modern artsy look to it. It was very dim and quiet with wine bottles and candles everywhere. I ordered a glass of red wine, Napa Altamura Nebbiolo, if I remember correctly, Robin ordered a Coke, not yet being of legal drinking age, and we started out with a half dozen oysters on the half shell. After a few minutes of hesitation she ordered a braised lamb shank pasta and I ordered the jumbo lump blue crab with avocado. We talked quietly over dinner and once again I found myself getting lost in her eyes. It's funny how I recall all the little details but when I try to picture her face all I can see in my mind is her eyes. She had those deep, rich, hazel eyes that only the few possess and the mass envy.
About two months into our relationship, late in December, Robin and I were out late one night for a midnight drive. I came across a nice deserted area, overlooking a few flickering lights, spread out across a vast field. It was the kind of place you would go to get away from it all. We sat there quietly, listening to the radio, and gazing up into the cloudless night sky at all of the distant shimmering stars. I thought to myself how much she meant to me and while I was with her I didn't have a care in the world. I looked deeply into her eyes and I felt a small voice creep up from inside me. 'I love you' I said with an almost child like innocence. I could see the happiness on her face as it lit up. She smiled shyly and said 'I love you too'
Throughout the course of our relationship I lavished Robin with gifts and affection. I wanted her to know just how much she meant to me. I took her out to eat, almost everyday, at some of the nicest restaurants across the state. We were truly inseparable. She stayed with me at my house nearly everyday and we never seemed to get bored with each other. I remember coming home late from work and she was always there waiting in anticipation for my return. We did everything together. My only goal was wanting her to feel as loved as I did.
In early June 2004 Robin's family was going on a road trip to California to attend to some family matters and they invited me along. Knowing that Robin would be going I accepted and soon after we all set off. It was a long trip and I could feel Robins anticipation building as we got closer to our destination. She was raised in the golden state and was eager to return to catch up with the people and memories she had long ago left behind. We arrived at her one of her sisters' house after several long hours of driving. It was a small house with a very large palm tree in the yard. Robin and I had a quick shower and settled in for our stay. After a few introductions she took me to see the many places she remembered from her past. We went from place to place visiting many people and places throughout the state. It was a very sunny and humid state filled with a culturally diverse people. After our short visit in California we set off for home. It was an even longer ride back and the miles dragged on forever. Robin started complaining of a pain in her stomach and I did my best to comfort her. She shrugged it off as motion sickness and left it at that.
In the following weeks the pain in robins stomach grew stronger and she decided to go see a doctor. At the doctors office they did an ultrasound on her stomach and found something unusual. It was what they described as a 'foot ball' sized anomaly in her lower abdomen. Robin had had a thirteen pound non-cancerous tumor along with one of her ovaries removed before I had met her and the doctor thought that's what it was once again. He took some blood tests and referred her to a specialist in Denver that had better equipment and expertise to deal with the situation. The appointment in Denver was far off, meanwhile, Robin and I just shrugged her sickness off to another thirteen pound non-cancerous tumor. A few weeks of pain and a quick surgery and she would be as good as new. Over the course of the next month, Robins stomach grew significantly in size as did her pain, I did all that I could to comfort and care for her. She was my whole world and It pained me to see her hurting. Eventually the wait was over and I drove her to see the specialist in Denver. We waited forever in the doctors office waiting room before the nurse called Robins name out. After an even longer wait in the exam room the doctor came in holding a chart containing her blood test results and told us that Robin had cancer.
It was truly devastating news but we remained optimistic. Robin was young and in excellent health. Cancer usually only showed up in older people with already weakened immune systems and even they had a fairly decent shot at survival. We believed even though cancer could be lethal there was no way she would die from this. The doctors gave her medication and follow up treatments to help her with her illness and we both ate a little healthier. Other than that Robin and I continued life as usual. Over the few remaining months in 2004 Robin seemed to show a little improvement until around January 2005 when everything seemed to drastically change for the worse.
The doctors decided that traditional treatments weren't working and wanted to try surgery to remove the tumor and then chemotherapy treatment to kill the remaining cancer cells. It was a bold move but it proved to be extremely effective in other cases. By this time the tumor in Robin's stomach was so large she looked like she was far beyond a full term pregnancy. Robin decided to do what the doctors recommended and we set out for a hospital in Denver to have the procedure. It was a two week in-patient procedure and I stayed by her side for the entire duration. Normally people could only visit during preset times but the doctors and hospital staff could clearly see in my eyes that the term 'visiting hours' did not apply to me. Robin was my whole world and I would never leave her side, especially in her time of need. For two weeks we stayed in that miserable place, and the only thing that kept us going was each other. I didn't shower, shave, or, change my clothes. My eyes got infected from not changing my contacts lenses. I only slept a few hours every few days due to sheer exhaustion. Just after a week I ran out of money and I couldn't afford to eat. I even almost lost my job, but none of that seemed to matter. All I wanted was to see Robin get better. Just over a week and a half into our stay the doctors decided it was time to have the surgery. The surgeons wouldn't let me into the operating room where she would have the surgery and they urged me to go home for a few hours to rest and collect my thoughts.
The surgery was a success. They removed Robins remaining ovary and about fifteen to twenty pounds of cancerous tumor. I remember her smiling as she awoke from the anesthesia and saw my face. She had about fifteen IV bags filled with various medication and I had to help her move her IV bag carousel organizer every time she needed to use the restroom. I stayed with her for the next few days until she was released. We were both in better spirits and soon after she would start chemotherapy. We both decided that everything was going to be okay.
Over the course of the next few months, through chemotherapy and various medications and treatments, Robin showed drastic improvements. Although we both had a few troubles everything was looking up. Robin hated the huge scar the surgery left in her stomach and the fact that she was losing her hair as a side effect from the chemotherapy treatments, but I stayed by her side, even as every strand of hair fell from her head. My job, at the time, became very demanding and consumed much of my time, but other than that, I spent every second I could with Robin. With our problems aside we lived our lives to the fullest extent. Other than her regular doctors appointments, her scar, and her side effects, it was as if her illness never happened. We had our whole lives ahead of us and we decided to just put everything behind us. We stuck through it all, the good times, and the not so good times. She was all that would ever matter to me, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Just after Valentines day in February 2005 I asked her if she would marry me. It was more of a quirky question than an official proposal. She smiled wryly and told me she would, of course, if I ever officially proposed. I assured her I would after I went to college and I felt as if I could provide for her. It was a very happy time for the both of us, but little did we know, the worse was yet to come.
It was around mid June 2005 when Robin slowly started getting worse. Her stomach started increasing in size but it seemed to be at a much slower rate this time. That had to be a good sign right? The doctors decided that another surgery was too risky and to continue with the chemotherapy treatments. Soon after Robin stopped responding to chemotherapy and the doctors decided that continuing it would just do more harm than good. The only other option for treating cancer at the time, was radiation treatment, but the doctors decided that would be a bad idea given the location and size of the tumor. It was at this time I truly started to worry for Robin's sake, as did her family, but through it all, she remained optimistic, even when there was nothing left. Her optimism was truly infectious and soon after her family and I started to share in it. Robin had came this far and we all decided that to lose hope now would just be crazy. She was the one good thing in my life I had going for me, and I refused to believe that cancer could ever take her away from me.
It was around mid to late July 2005 when Robin had to be re-hospitalized. My job at the time became even more demanding and I had very few chances to visit her. I even remember working a twenty two hour shift once. A member of her family stayed with her in the hospital at all times to help make up for my absence.
I last visited her in the afternoon of August 3rd 2005. It was devastating for me to see her in such a state. Her skin barely covered her skeleton. She must have weighed less than eighty pounds and a large portion of that weight was probably the tumor eating away at her. There was a strong sense of unspoken sadness in the room amongst myself and her family. You could feel it in the air. A dark and silent sadness you could see in the eyes of everyone in the room, right through there misleading optimistic faces. The sadness was like a darkness that filled the whole room with a low visibility, and all that was left was Robin's optimism shining brightly.
We talked for a little while, mostly about making plans for things we would do when she was healthy enough to leave the hospital. I remember she asked me if I was hungry. I said I was a little but I'd just grab something on the way to work later. She smiled and decided that if I was hungry she would be the one to feed me. She crawled out of bed with help from her father and I, even after I insisted I was fine. She led me down a hallway to a microwave and warmed something up for me. I could never express how loving it feels to have someone, (even though they can barely walk) only want to nurture and take care of you. I helped her back into bed and she sat there quietly smiling, with a sense of self satisfaction, as she watched me eat. I remember seeing her IV carousel only had one bag of medicine on it. That's when my heart just dropped. After seeing that I knew that the doctors did all they could and nothing they could give her would make here better. The time for my departure grew near, I leaned down, kissed her goodbye and whispered into her ear "I love you" to which she replied "I love you too" Soon after I walked towards the door and I felt tears building up in my eyes. As I opened the door to leave I turned back just for a moment and I saw my beloved, smiling at me, optimist as ever. I felt her emitting a soothing calmness onto me, that filled me with a small glimmer of hope, making me feel as if everything was going to be alright.
On August 5th 2005 at 9:14 AM I got a phone call from Robins friend Jill. I knew what she was going to say but I couldn't bring myself to accept it. She told me Robin had died. She said if I wanted to see her to say goodbye to come to the hospital and that, herself along with Robins family and friends, would all be there for my support. I found myself in tears soon after that phone call. It had been more than fifteen years since the last time I cried, and even that time couldn't compare to how sad I was this time. It was the saddest time I've ever lived through and it will probably be the saddest event I've ever faced over the course of the rest of my life. I waited a few hours before I went to see her because I did not want her family and friends to see me in such a state. The hospital that Robin was at, was about forty five minutes from where I lived at the time, but it seemed like the longest trip I ever took.
As I approached the door to the room that Robin was in. I found it closed with a white rose fashioned to it. It was the only closed patient door on the entire floor. Inside I found my beloved Robin lying peacefully in her bed. I once again found myself crying. It was so painful to finally lose her, after all we had been through. I felt as if everything good in my life was gone. It felt like my life no longer had any meaning. I sat with her for at least an hour, holding her cold, lifeless hand, before I could pull myself away from her, and accept the fact that she was gone.
All my love died with her.
It took me more than three years to decide whether or not I wanted to write about this chapter in my life, and nearly a year to finish writing it. Everything in this story is true to the best of my memory, but I left a few details out for easier readability. Please feel free to comment on whatever your thoughts are about this story, as I am eager to read them.
